Frank’s Flops Week 1: Special Edition
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Frank is a natural born loser – a magnet for heartbreak and mayhem. When it comes to football, these two things are as abundant as dandruff flakes on Troy Polamalu’s noggin’ during the pre-Head and Shoulders endorsement era. Talk about sand in your eye, he’s reason No.3 why players wear helmet windshields.
As you can see, Frank speaks in the third person, which is the preferred choice of any loser. Don’t believe Frank? Look back at T.O.’s career. He never won a Super Bowl and the only time he made a championship caliber play was that catch against the Wisconsin Brat Packers. When he did, he cried like little boy who missed the ice cream truck. Loser.
Frank can spot a loser a mile away. Fantasy Throwdown has lots of ‘em every week and he volunteered his services to identify the fantasy flops for each week’s NFL games. He won’t profile every game, every week; consider this a special, “Opening Week” edition.
Take these chumps, if you want to be a chump.
Cowboys vs. Giants
Dez Bryant and the Texas Brass Pole Jockeys travel to the Rotten Apple for a divisional matchup with Eli Manning’s ginormous head and the rest of the New Jersey Genetic Mutants. Jer “Master D” Jones has placed Bryant on gentlemen’s club probation, but that doesn’t mean Bryant didn’t have brass poles installed in his basement. The problem is this game ain’t on at the ranch, which mean’s Bryant will be backed up and angry. Muhammad Ali fought backed up and angry.
Frank is waiting for Bryant to flop in his first home game. The primetime flopper in this matchup is Miles Austin, whose hamstrings are strung tighter than Beyonce’s form-fitting stage outfits. There’s a threat that both will bust loose, but somehow the constricting nature of both materials keeps that thrill from happening. Steer clear of Austin and go with the frustrated Pole Jockey.
Colts vs. Bears
The Lucky Horses ride to Chi-town to wrangle some Bear Meat. However, they better be armed with a warehouse of Rolaids because that’s some rank victuals. Cutler the irascible dancing bear is tired of doing the two-step with a bunch of big sweaty men and his coach Mike Tice is trying to remedy the situation. Fortunately for the Bear Meat, the Indy Hobby Horsey defense offers rides all day long, which means Matt Forte will be telling the Papa Bear “I told you so,” with every yard earned. Antoine Bethea might have triple-digit tackles by the time it’s over, but steer clear of the Colts team defense. Flop city.
Falcons vs. Chiefs
The Phoenix of the city that Sherman burned travel to Arthur Bryant’s Tomahawk Barbeque for a showdown with the true Native Chefs of America (or whatever they called it before the rest of us got here and gave it that Italian name). Dwayne Bowe is a Frank fave this week because he’s facing Asante Samuel and Brent Grimes. Bowe’s late arrival to camp and a new offense is playing into the Flopster’s hands. Combine that with a ground chuck of Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hillis that would make Rex Ryan burst the bolts off his stomach clamp and Bowe is ready to sear fantasy owners on the grill.
Eagles vs. Browns
Oh how Frank is itching to see Brandon Weeden in rubber diapers. Yes, the Frank knows that sounds kinky, but he assures you it’s simply about the Eagles pass rush. The oldest rookie this side of Chris Weinke already quivers with brain overload when the pocket breaks and there are no open receivers to be found. If the Eastern Ohio Junior Girl Scouts figured out that Josh Cribbs is still its best pass catcher, they might have a clue. However they are still trying to figure out how to make their uniforms look cool 60 years later. Brandon Weeden and Cameron Newton both have four syllables. That’s about all they have in common. Weeden has multiple accidents. The Eagles defensive ends better wear latex gloves.
Redskins vs. Saints
Frank loves interesting names. He once met a cashier in a grocery story by the name of “Clitaya.” No lie. It took all he had not to shoot milk out of his nose like one of the Fountains of Rome. Pierre Garcon may not be the “Peonus” to the food checker’s given name, but it seems like an awfully cliché French moniker. Flop on the French-inspired Haitian as Robert Griffin discovers that Santana Moss is better at blitz reads at this stage of his career.
Rams vs. Lions
The Motor City Simbas are waiting hungrily in their habitat for the arrival of the St. Louis Lambs. What they don’t realize is that these cuddly looking creatures still pack a wallop thanks to Steven Jackson. They’ve also laced their coats with arsenic barbeque. While Frank thinks the Simbas have strong enough gullets to survive the meal, Cortland Finnegan is going to do his best to piss off Calvin Johnson. Megatron better have one of those windshields because Finnegan will treat him like Moe does Curly. Let’s hope Mikel Leshoure doesn’t get a case of the giggles watching this Stooge-Fest or he might be subjected to on the spot drug testing.
Patriots vs. Titans
Frank is drawn to Jared Cook like politicians to buffalo chips. The dial on his loser meter swings as wildly as Elvis hips after two peanut butter-bacon-banana donuts when he sees the Mikhael Ricks Jr. get lost in coverage like Dez Bryant at Cotillion. Don’t get Frank wrong. Cook can catch and run. But this ain’t Steve Spurrier’s, “run over there, son” offense. Rookie-and-a-half quarterback Jake Locker will give up on Cook by the second quarter.
Jaguars vs. Vikings
Haley’s Comet, the Browns going to the Super Bowl, the Redskins refraining from its fantasy football style of general management, Adrian Peterson making a Frank Flops. These are all events that likely happen only once in a lifetime. Frank is honored to have All Day make his list after all these years of biding his time. So old Frankie is relishing it. However, he’s lost the ability to know what to say. He feels like that big, fat, ugly dude at the smoking deck at the J-O-B who is always bragging about women and when the prettiest one walks by he’s as timid as former Iggle Todd Pinkston on a dig route. That’s how Frank feels about Peterson.
Bills vs. Jets
LaRon Landry is from LSU. There are only two good things about that school and Frank can only remember one of them: defensive football. Landry is hungrier than that tranquilized kitty those Bayou Knuckleheads have caged in Baton Rouge. Fred Jackson is a winner if Frank ever saw one, but the Flopster is still drawn to C.J. Spiller, who might see a big dose of Landry in his face when he tries to do his fancy footwork. Steve Johnson has had his moments against Darrelle Revis, but leave him for your opponent this week because the Pitt alum is going to give Kentucky and Harvard a PhD seminar in shutdown cornering. Not sure what Fitz-patriarch is going to do with it, but we’ll let him sit in the tearoom and smoke his pipe while he thinks on it.
Dolphins vs. Texans
Frank is going to enjoy this season with Ryan Tannehill, because he has a feeling it ain’t going to last long before the Flopster avoids the Dolphins quarterback like the plague. But right now, Tannehill is a fish that has been finned and left to sink to the bottom of the drink. Horrific image, yes. But his is crew responsible for this cruelty. Tannehill will fight bravely, but he’s gonna be a pick-machine. Every quarter will generate a pick, perhaps a pick-six or two.
Seahawks vs. Cardinals
Late night Larry and Red Birds from the nuttiest corner of the continental United States travel to the Northwest Coffee Klatch for a throw-down with two big, bad cornerbacks by the name of Browner and Sherman. Frank relishes adding Larry Fitzgerad to his list almost as much as Adrian Peterson. Between a left tackle Brown Levis bursting an inseam and the Fish Birds defense, it’s going to be a long day for Late Night.
49ers vs. Packers
Frank loves Jermichael Finley. ESPN scribe and former Browns scout Matt Williamson has a bright red hand mark that his wife left on his pasty face every time he rhapsodizes about the studly Package Stuffer. Frank loves Williamson, but all guys that chain themselves to a television watching football year-round are pasty faced. Back to Finley, who is as up and down as a yo-yo in a hands of a six year-old when it comes to his fantasy production. Expect Aaron Rodgers to be throwing on the perimeter or running for his life. That leaves Finley as nothing more than a Matt Williamson fantasy.
Panthers vs. Buccaneers
The Cackalacky Militant Kitties face the Gulf Coast Cannon Fodder in a game that Frank has real trouble with this year. Frank really enjoyed Josh Freeman last year, but he believes that former Rutgers Master and Commander is going to right this ship quick. This means Cackalacky find itself trying to swim and Frank knows a thing or two about cats and those molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen. He’ll just have to rely on old stand-by DeAngelo Williams, a Memphis Wildcat who is a loser due to situation more often than his own doing. Look for the Kitties to find more inventive ways of robbing Williams of his bounty despite a solid matchup in Tampa.
Steelers vs. Broncos
Peyton Manning and the Elways prepare for the Anti-Manning’s arrival in the Mile High City on Sunday Night Football. Demaryius Thomas was the hero last year, but don’t expect the same antics in the 2012 rematch. Thomas said he was a better person than Dez Bryant on Draft Day, but the Frank has to say that paying for some action seems more on the up-and-up than allegedly trying to steal it from a sleeping beauty. Frank thinks Thomas needs the snot knocked out of him and based on Larry Foote’s treatment of Austin Collie, he thinks the Steelers will be glad to oblige. Judgmental, yes, but Frank is a loser. That’s what losers do and he’s embracing it.
Bengals vs. Ravens
Mike Brown and his rented Tiger Suits head to Charm City for taste of carrion. However, Andy Dalton isn’t going to like the taste of the pie these birds are serving up. The redheaded stepchild of NFL quarterbacks will do enough to make it a game, but Frank is attracted to Jermaine Gresham, who the Bengals liken to Rob Gronkowski. This tickles Frank more than the idea that the NFL has a drug policy. This Baltimore Browns defense might show its age as the season progresses, but on this night expect the unit to render Jermaine Gresham into kitty litter.
Chargers vs. Raiders
In the game the world forgot, this match up is chalk-full of losers. Robert Meachem earns top billing. The poor fella tries hard, but he looks like a robot doing calculus, physics or one of them formula-driven sciences to catch the football. Heck, he might be the greatest thinker to ever go out for a pass. Denarius Moore should change his name to “Precarious.” Then Frank can list him on a roster as “Moore, Precarious,” and how fitting that would be to the riskiest wide receiver in fantasy football. Pick a running back in San Diego not named Ryan Mathews and the odds are against that feller earning enough carries to exceed 55 yards. This will be a fascinating game, but mostly due to the kind of ugliness that makes traffic accidents, Jerry Springer, and political debates so engrossing.