Archive for the ‘Frank’s Flops’ Category

Frank’s Flops Week 3: Zombie Sighting in New York

Thursday, September 20th, 2012

After a 14-6 hit rate on opening week predictions, Frankie got ambitious and raised the stakes to 23 predictions in Week 2. He barely escaped the flop house with a 12-11 record. Lock the kids in their rooms, here are the gory details.

Week Two Hits:

1. Another C.J. Spiller explosion
2. Another Jonathan Baldwin and Tony Moeaki loser sandwich
3. A.J. Green making up for a mediocre Week 1
4. Easy pickings to bet against Jermaine Gresham
5. Matt Schaub underwhelming despite a quality Texans offense
6. Andre Johnson underwhelming
7. Wes Welker having a nice game
8. Ahmad Bradshaw struggling (yes, injury qualifies)
9. Don’t pick Vick unless you want interceptions and fumbles
10. RG3 comes down to earth a little bit against the Rams
11. Julio Jones disappearing against Denver
12. Von Miller getting a sack

Week Two Misses:

1. Brandon LaFell disappointing – not so fast there, Frankie boy
2. Brandon Weeden shedding the diapers for big-boy pants
3. Percy Harvin underperforming against the Ponies
4. Owen Daniels underwhelming (not that 6-47 is great)
5. Ryan Tannehill getting served up on a silver and black platter
6. Brandon Lloyd toasting Patrick Peterson for a touchdown
7. Betting against Rob Gronkowski
8. Betting on Vick struggling
9. Chris Johnson rebounding from Week 1
10. Nate Burleson disappearing (6-67 isn’t awesome, but he was present)
11. Elvis Dumvervil getting a sack

It’s still puts Frank at a respectable 26-17 after two weeks. Saddle up for Week Three, folks.
Week 3

Rams versus Bears

Only in America can we have a showdown between a mountain creature representing a town that would slaughter, slather in barbecue sauce, and throw on the grill and a forest creature fronting a city that would also slaughter and turn into sausage, toppings for deep dish pizza, or both. Frank loves the players though. You know the NFL replacement officials are bad when Cortland Finnegan essentially praises them for letting you play football. Coming from Finnegan’s maw that’s about as good as an inmate from the New Orleans Parrish Prison System saying prison guards let him carry out his work as you watch a man bleeding to death in the background. Then there’s smoking Jay Cutler, the coolest anti-hero in the NFL. These two need to be on the same team. If Frank were to make a movie they’d be on the Raiders. If only Gene Wilder were alive to play a John Madden-like personality as the head coach. It could be the funniest football movie ever made and not that one with Gene Hackman and Kyle Orton. Expect Finnegan to have one interception and Cutler to throw two touchdowns. The flop of this game will be Sam Bradford, who will get an up close and personal Halas Hug from Julius Peppers, Corey Wootton, and Henry Melton.

Lions versus Titans

Matthew Stafford loves the AFC. He’s a man after Frank’s heart. NFC fans are pompous in nature. They’re the blueblood conference. The AFC is the working man’s conference, save some Patriots fans that are just outside the bounds of reality. Stafford has been flopping, but three’s the charm and Frank wouldn’t bet against him against a Titans squad that is close to being a shambles. You might fool Frank once. You may even fool him twice, but Chris Johnson isn’t coming out of that tailspin this week, is he? Frank thinks Johnson will earn enough yards against this overzealous pack of felines to prevent rioting by 1 out of 12 fantasy football owners, but they’ll still leave the game feeling uneasy about the Titan runner’s little person performance.

Jets versus Dolphins

Frank has a theory that Shonn Greene earns his yardage because he’s actually the first running back zombie. He’s not really fast and he’s not difficult to bring to the ground. The only real fear that defenders have is Greene biting them. Here’s a toast to facemasks. Unfortunately that facemask and helmet also protects Greene from shots to the head – at least enough for the Jets running back to only require a temporary absence from the game. Frank is hoping the Dolphins can figure out a way to put this zombie out of his misery. He believes those water mammals are smart enough to figure it out. As for Tannehill, Frank thinks Hess’ Fly Boys will carpet bomb the rookie QB/WR from Texas. With Darrelle Revis back, Tannehill will be looking at his dawg and saying, “Reggie, we’re not playing Oakland anymore.”

Bills versus Browns

This is the week where C.J. Spiller slows his roll and just comes short of 100 yards rushing. He’ll earn 110-130 total yards, but he won’t do what he did to the Masterpieces in Week 2. Trent Richardson is a completely different story. Frank ain’t even gonna look at that Frankenstein in fear of getting torn limb from limb. But expect Frank to give a strong, 100-yard stare in Mohammed Massaquoi’s direction. That dude can’t string two games together. Don’t expect it now. Weeden will have enough time make this a shootout with Harvard. In fact, Frank expects the Bills to flop in an upset. That’s for you, Mikey.

[Editor's Note: Damn you Frank!]

Green Bay versus Seattle

This may not seem like the game of the week, but the Salty Birds could have made a meal of the Cheeseheads that showed up to play the last two weeks. Frank thinks this will be an entertaining game because Russell Wilson can avoid this pass rush just enough and target his tight ends and backs in ways that he might render Chuckie Woodson a moot point. If this happens Beast Mode could get going and I think of all the Skittles in the pack, he likes the green and yellow ones the best. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers may don the championship belt once or twice in the end zone, but only one of them will be passes. These birds have a pretty strict no-fly zone. This is going to be a very un-2012-like NFL game in the sense that the ground game will have a lot more emphasis.

Frank’s Flops Week 2: The Caravan of Panic

Thursday, September 13th, 2012

What a week! The Packers lose, the Saints lose, the Giants lose, the Jets scored, and Frank went 14-6! Hell, Roger Goodell even lost! What’s next, panic in the streets?

There might have been if the commish took the stand and testified that he put the hammer down on ole Jonathan Vilma and the Bayou Sinners Sam Jackson style:

Yes, their careers deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell! Respect my authority…”

Yes, Rog, even you’re a loser. My buddy Matt Waldman is hoping there’s a line in Vegas where he put down a c-note that you’ll have to hand the Saints and Jonathan Vilma the Lombardi. He thinks its just too strange not to come true. Frank is inclined to agree.

The two normal things last week were the Raiders and Browns doing what they do best: Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Here’s how Frank fared on his picks:

Hits

  • Dez Bryant plays like a college boy who says he’s “backed up.”
  • The Irsay-You Say Ponies defense.
  • Matt Forte saying, “I told you so.”
  • Dwayne Bowe medium rare.
  • Brandon Weeden needing rubber diapers.
  • Cortland Finnegan pissing off the Simbas.
  • Jake Locker giving up on Jared Cook by the second quarter.
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick getting his pipe shoved up his Harvard hind parts.
  • Ryan Tannehill earning a big Frank Flops welcome courtesy of the Houston Secessionists.
  • Late Night Larry Fitzgerald slipped a dose of Ambien.
  • Deangelo Williams robbed of chance to shine in Tampa.
  • Jermaine Gresham performs like a pussy (cat).
  • Denarius Moore not showing up to play – literally.
  • Ix-Nay on any back with a Bolt on his helmet.

Misses

  • Miles Austin blowing a tire.
  • Santana Moss out-playing the Haitian Waiter.
  • Football Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Proof came that Nick is actually a Purple Viking. Leave a cookie for Peterson lest you want to get trucked.
  • Fred Jackson thriving and C.J. Spiller barely surviving.
  • Jermichael Finley jilting Matt Williamson at the altar.
  • Demaryius Thomas getting slobber knocked.

Bears vs. Packers

The Windy City Bear Claws get flown west to Wisconsin with the hopes they don’t get shrink wrapped into a box by the Green Bay Warehouse Foremen. Don’t flop on Randall Cobb this week. He’s getting the Darren Sproles treatment. However, expect Devin Hester to wish someone would get the clue that he should have been Darren Sproles five years ago.

Chiefs vs. Bills

The KC Pitt Masters are traveling to Buffalo for some bison barbecue on Sunday, but they are gonna be disappointed because that meat is lean. Frank doesn’t want any part of C.J. Spiller after that Clemson Tiger ripped a hole through the Jets fuselage. However, give this hack predictor a slab of Jonathan Baldwin with a side of Tony Moeaki. Neither of these Pioli specials are gonna chow down in the Niagara Neighborhood.

Saints vs. Panthers

The Treme Sinners had a post-Vilma hangover thanks to too many shots of RG3 with an Alfred Morris chaser. Frank thinks that pain will persist when they make a road trip to Cackalacky to face Sir Isaac Newton’s freak show science project and a bunch of pissed off Appalachian Lions. Drew Brees will play pretty as usual, but this offense will be leading a second line Nawlins funeral march that ends in sadness. Frank isn’t expecting Brandon LaFell to repeat his performance from last weekend. Don’t get stuck with him this weekend unless you want the Rebirth Brass Band playing a second line in your honor.

Browns vs. Bengals

The Red-headed Rifle got swarmed by a flock of Never Mores in Charm City last Monday. He could have the same problem when they host the Polluted Lake Elves in River City. Frank needs to take a risk this week and that bold pick is Joe Haden blanketing A.J. Green. Wait a minute. Haden is suspended? Forget that. Green is going to make up for a mediocre outing last weak where he dropped two passes. Frank will go back to picking on Brandon Weeden, who is going to get a big taste of Geno Atkins and have nothing but putrid water to wash it from his mouth. Clamoring for Colt? Nope. Trippin’ for Thaddeus? Maybe. Frank will again bet against Jermaine Gresham. He’s one of those big, bad-lookin’ softies that curl up and quiver when they get trucked. He’s the most overrated young gun at tight end in the NFL.

Vikings vs. Colts

Frank is definitely leaving a cookie for Saint Adrian Peterson every week without fail. Frank may be naughty, but he doesn’t want to get trucked. On the other hand, this looks like a game where Percy Harvin gets a day off, and it won’t be for a migraine. St. Peterson’s Purple Henchmen say they want to be careful about Big Daddy’s knee, but they’re not in charge.

Texans vs. Jaguars

Matt Schaub and the city in a state that wants to be its own country try to annex North Florida after taking over its bottom half last week. Frank isn’t betting against Blaine Gabbert, although there is a gut feeling that he should. This won’t be a great game for Sunshine, but it won’t be like last year. The Flop is actually on Schaub. This is going to be a tougher battle than many expect. Arian Foster better eat an extra helping of beans and rice mixed with kale. He’s going to need the nutrients because Owen Daniels and Andre Johnson won’t be helping out.

Raiders vs. Dolphins

Frank needs more Tannehill like Christopher Walken needs more cowbell. The Black Hole is going to deliver him on a silver and black platter.

Cardinals vs. Patriots

Think about selling Wes Welker high after this week, because Stevan Ridley won’t have as easy of a time running against the Red Birds as he did last week against the Flaming Thumbtacks. That means Welker will have a nice game. So will Brandon Lloyd, who will toast Patrick Peterson at least once. Frank is betting against Gronkowski because he thinks Adrian Wilson might deliver a special gift to the big, bad aspiring film star and it won’t be a leading lady in one of Gronk’s t-shirts.

Buccaneers vs. Giants

The Giants offensive line struggled last week. Look for the Bucs to chain Ahmad Bradshaw to the brig.

Ravens vs. Eagles

Frank thinks Vick sucks at handling defensive back blitzes. B-More blitzes its corners and safeties better than anyone. Don’t pick Vick unless your league doesn’t score against picks or fumbles.

Cowboys vs. Seahawks

This won’t be a good day for DeMarco Murray. He’ll get the ball a lot, but Frank believes the output won’t be worth the input. The Cowboys defense is going to win this game for Jerry Jones, who will be having some highly paid personal assistant serve him some of Seattle’s best brew after cleaning his ear plugs in preparation for that 12th man.

Redskins vs. Rams

Frank thinks RG3 comes down to earth a bit in this game. The reason is the Rams secondary, which is actually a better unit than the Lions. Frank is betting against RG3 delivering top-five fantasy quarterback production this week.

Jets vs. Steelers

Ryan Clark will be able to play this week now that the iron men return to a reasonable altitude. That’s going to be enough for Troy Polamalu to wreak havoc on the Sanchize. Don’t expect a three-touchdown day this week.

Titans vs. Chargers

The Flaming Thumbtacks travel to Bolt City for a showdown of two teams that used to be able to run the football. Whichever unit recovers that skill first wins this game. Frank believes it will be those fellas in the ugly blue uniforms that want to stage munity on offensive coordinator Chris Palmer. They’re wrong in the sense that Johnson isn’t doing his job. However, it could help if they used Craig Stevens more often in two-tight end sets or put Jared Cook on the bench every once in a while so Johnson could get a little more help. Frank expects that to happen this week. Start Johnson one more week thanks to Stevens.

Lions vs. 49ers

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It’s the rematch of the back slapping Michigan quarterback versus the stalking Georgetown linebacker/defensive end. Yes, Schwartz was a defender, but he needed to represent a little better and show a better pass rushing move through traffic to get to Harbaugh last year. The motor was there, but the finishing move wasn’t. This week, Frank thinks Nate Burleson and Michael Crabtree will disappear.

Broncos vs. Falcons

And in the finale, look for Elvis Dumveril and Von Miller to supply the bread and Matt Ryan to supply the meat for a Dirty Bird sandwich. Champ Bailey and Tracy Porter will add the pickle, 86 the Julio. Yes, the Falcons offense is good, but not that good yet.

Frank’s Flops Week 1: Special Edition

Tuesday, September 4th, 2012

Frank is a natural born loser – a magnet for heartbreak and mayhem. When it comes to football, these two things are as abundant as dandruff flakes on Troy Polamalu’s noggin’ during the pre-Head and Shoulders endorsement era. Talk about sand in your eye, he’s reason No.3 why players wear helmet windshields.

Troy Polamalu is “why players wear helmet windshields,” according to Frank.

As you can see, Frank speaks in the third person, which is the preferred choice of any loser. Don’t believe Frank? Look back at T.O.’s career. He never won a Super Bowl and the only time he made a championship caliber play was that catch against the Wisconsin Brat Packers. When he did, he cried like little boy who missed the ice cream truck. Loser.

Frank can spot a loser a mile away. Fantasy Throwdown has lots of ‘em every week and he volunteered his services to identify the fantasy flops for each week’s NFL games. He won’t profile every game, every week; consider this a special, “Opening Week” edition.

Take these chumps, if you want to be a chump.

Cowboys vs. Giants

Dez Bryant and the Texas Brass Pole Jockeys travel to the Rotten Apple for a divisional matchup with Eli Manning’s ginormous head and the rest of the New Jersey Genetic Mutants. Jer “Master D” Jones has placed Bryant on gentlemen’s club probation, but that doesn’t mean Bryant didn’t have brass poles installed in his basement. The problem is this game ain’t on at the ranch, which mean’s Bryant will be backed up and angry. Muhammad Ali fought backed up and angry.

Frank is waiting for Bryant to flop in his first home game. The primetime flopper in this matchup is Miles Austin, whose hamstrings are strung tighter than Beyonce’s form-fitting stage outfits. There’s a threat that both will bust loose, but somehow the constricting nature of both materials keeps that thrill from happening. Steer clear of Austin and go with the frustrated Pole Jockey.

Colts vs. Bears

The Lucky Horses ride to Chi-town to wrangle some Bear Meat. However, they better be armed with a warehouse of Rolaids because that’s some rank victuals. Cutler the irascible dancing bear is tired of doing the two-step with a bunch of big sweaty men and his coach Mike Tice is trying to remedy the situation. Fortunately for the Bear Meat, the Indy Hobby Horsey defense offers rides all day long, which means Matt Forte will be telling the Papa Bear “I told you so,” with every yard earned. Antoine Bethea might have triple-digit tackles by the time it’s over, but steer clear of the Colts team defense. Flop city.

Falcons vs. Chiefs

The Phoenix of the city that Sherman burned travel to Arthur Bryant’s Tomahawk Barbeque for a showdown with the true Native Chefs of America (or whatever they called it before the rest of us got here and gave it that Italian name). Dwayne Bowe is a Frank fave this week because he’s facing Asante Samuel and Brent Grimes. Bowe’s late arrival to camp and a new offense is playing into the Flopster’s hands. Combine that with a ground chuck of Jamaal Charles and Peyton Hillis that would make Rex Ryan burst the bolts off his stomach clamp and Bowe is ready to sear fantasy owners on the grill.

Eagles vs. Browns

Oh how Frank is itching to see Brandon Weeden in rubber diapers. Yes, the Frank knows that sounds kinky, but he assures you it’s simply about the Eagles pass rush. The oldest rookie this side of Chris Weinke already quivers with brain overload when the pocket breaks and there are no open receivers to be found. If the Eastern Ohio Junior Girl Scouts figured out that Josh Cribbs is still its best pass catcher, they might have a clue. However they are still trying to figure out how to make their uniforms look cool 60 years later. Brandon Weeden and Cameron Newton both have four syllables. That’s about all they have in common. Weeden has multiple accidents. The Eagles defensive ends better wear latex gloves.

Redskins vs. Saints

Frank loves interesting names. He once met a cashier in a grocery story by the name of “Clitaya.” No lie. It took all he had not to shoot milk out of his nose like one of the Fountains of Rome. Pierre Garcon may not be the “Peonus” to the food checker’s given name, but it seems like an awfully cliché French moniker. Flop on the French-inspired Haitian as Robert Griffin discovers that Santana Moss is better at blitz reads at this stage of his career.

Rams vs. Lions

The Motor City Simbas are waiting hungrily in their habitat for the arrival of the St. Louis Lambs. What they don’t realize is that these cuddly looking creatures still pack a wallop thanks to Steven Jackson. They’ve also laced their coats with arsenic barbeque. While Frank thinks the Simbas have strong enough gullets to survive the meal, Cortland Finnegan is going to do his best to piss off Calvin Johnson. Megatron better have one of those windshields because Finnegan will treat him like Moe does Curly. Let’s hope Mikel Leshoure doesn’t get a case of the giggles watching this Stooge-Fest or he might be subjected to on the spot drug testing.

Patriots vs. Titans

Frank is drawn to Jared Cook like politicians to buffalo chips. The dial on his loser meter swings as wildly as Elvis hips after two peanut butter-bacon-banana donuts when he sees the Mikhael Ricks Jr. get lost in coverage like Dez Bryant at Cotillion. Don’t get Frank wrong. Cook can catch and run. But this ain’t Steve Spurrier’s, “run over there, son” offense. Rookie-and-a-half quarterback Jake Locker will give up on Cook by the second quarter.

Jaguars vs. Vikings

Haley’s Comet, the Browns going to the Super Bowl, the Redskins refraining from its fantasy football style of general management, Adrian Peterson making a Frank Flops. These are all events that likely happen only once in a lifetime. Frank is honored to have All Day make his list after all these years of biding his time. So old Frankie is relishing it. However, he’s lost the ability to know what to say. He feels like that big, fat, ugly dude at the smoking deck at the J-O-B who is always bragging about women and when the prettiest one walks by he’s as timid as former Iggle Todd Pinkston on a dig route. That’s how Frank feels about Peterson.

Bills vs. Jets

LaRon Landry is from LSU. There are only two good things about that school and Frank can only remember one of them: defensive football. Landry is hungrier than that tranquilized kitty those Bayou Knuckleheads have caged in Baton Rouge. Fred Jackson is a winner if Frank ever saw one, but the Flopster is still drawn to C.J. Spiller, who might see a big dose of Landry in his face when he tries to do his fancy footwork. Steve Johnson has had his moments against Darrelle Revis, but leave him for your opponent this week because the Pitt alum is going to give Kentucky and Harvard a PhD seminar in shutdown cornering. Not sure what Fitz-patriarch is going to do with it, but we’ll let him sit in the tearoom and smoke his pipe while he thinks on it.

Dolphins vs. Texans

Frank is going to enjoy this season with Ryan Tannehill, because he has a feeling it ain’t going to last long before the Flopster avoids the Dolphins quarterback like the plague. But right now, Tannehill is a fish that has been finned and left to sink to the bottom of the drink. Horrific image, yes. But his is crew responsible for this cruelty. Tannehill will fight bravely, but he’s gonna be a pick-machine. Every quarter will generate a pick, perhaps a pick-six or two.

Seahawks vs. Cardinals

Late night Larry and Red Birds from the nuttiest corner of the continental United States travel to the Northwest Coffee Klatch for a throw-down with two big, bad cornerbacks by the name of Browner and Sherman. Frank relishes adding Larry Fitzgerad to his list almost as much as Adrian Peterson. Between a left tackle Brown Levis bursting an inseam and the Fish Birds defense, it’s going to be a long day for Late Night.

49ers vs. Packers

Frank loves Jermichael Finley. ESPN scribe and former Browns scout Matt Williamson has a bright red hand mark that his wife left on his pasty face every time he rhapsodizes about the studly Package Stuffer. Frank loves Williamson, but all guys that chain themselves to a television watching football year-round are pasty faced. Back to Finley, who is as up and down as a yo-yo in a hands of a six year-old when it comes to his fantasy production. Expect Aaron Rodgers to be throwing on the perimeter or running for his life. That leaves Finley as nothing more than a Matt Williamson fantasy.

Panthers vs. Buccaneers

The Cackalacky Militant Kitties face the Gulf Coast Cannon Fodder in a game that Frank has real trouble with this year. Frank really enjoyed Josh Freeman last year, but he believes that former Rutgers Master and Commander is going to right this ship quick. This means Cackalacky find itself trying to swim and Frank knows a thing or two about cats and those molecules of Hydrogen and Oxygen. He’ll just have to rely on old stand-by DeAngelo Williams, a Memphis Wildcat who is a loser due to situation more often than his own doing. Look for the Kitties to find more inventive ways of robbing Williams of his bounty despite a solid matchup in Tampa.

Steelers vs. Broncos

Peyton Manning and the Elways prepare for the Anti-Manning’s arrival in the Mile High City on Sunday Night Football. Demaryius Thomas was the hero last year, but don’t expect the same antics in the 2012 rematch. Thomas said he was a better person than Dez Bryant on Draft Day, but the Frank has to say that paying for some action seems more on the up-and-up than allegedly trying to steal it from a sleeping beauty. Frank thinks Thomas needs the snot knocked out of him and based on Larry Foote’s treatment of Austin Collie, he thinks the Steelers will be glad to oblige. Judgmental, yes, but Frank is a loser. That’s what losers do and he’s embracing it.

Bengals vs. Ravens

Mike Brown and his rented Tiger Suits head to Charm City for taste of carrion. However, Andy Dalton isn’t going to like the taste of the pie these birds are serving up. The redheaded stepchild of NFL quarterbacks will do enough to make it a game, but Frank is attracted to Jermaine Gresham, who the Bengals liken to Rob Gronkowski. This tickles Frank more than the idea that the NFL has a drug policy. This Baltimore Browns defense might show its age as the season progresses, but on this night expect the unit to render Jermaine Gresham into kitty litter.

Chargers vs. Raiders

In the game the world forgot, this match up is chalk-full of losers. Robert Meachem earns top billing. The poor fella tries hard, but he looks like a robot doing calculus, physics or one of them formula-driven sciences to catch the football. Heck, he might be the greatest thinker to ever go out for a pass. Denarius Moore should change his name to “Precarious.” Then Frank can list him on a roster as “Moore, Precarious,” and how fitting that would be to the riskiest wide receiver in fantasy football. Pick a running back in San Diego not named Ryan Mathews and the odds are against that feller earning enough carries to exceed 55 yards. This will be a fascinating game, but mostly due to the kind of ugliness that makes traffic accidents, Jerry Springer, and political debates so engrossing.